Posted by Sideshow Ali - 09th Feb 2025

Hey Raf, great question. I'm a middle aged female AuADHDer, diagnosed about 2 years ago, for context. Communication is something I've been thinking about and becoming more and more aware of how tricky it can be. Throughout my life, when there were misunderstandings I had a tendency to blame myself. Now I'm beginning to realise that it's not necessarily my fault, and that people have communication preferences and styles. All depends on the context for me. At work I prefer things to be in writing, so for example if there is a meeting it's helpful if the agenda is provided beforehand so I can think about what is on it. Minutes I find useful for the same reason, and ideally I'd like time to come back to discussions after I've had time to process. I'm also a visual person, so having visual prompts (written or pictorial) is helpful. In informal settings, if its small groups of people I'm comfortable with I'm ok, but I struggle to understand when and how to interject into a conversation. In larger groups or parties it's exhausting.

I'm a peoplepleaser, so fawning is one way I have traditionally navigated conversations that don't fit my style. I use a lot of conditional, indirect language, afraid I might offend, although that is not what I prefer, which I'm only just starting to realise, because it's exhausting. I spend a lot of time composing text messages and running conversations through my head, trying to find just the right tone and expression. Also exhausting, and time consuming. When I have attempted to be more direct, particularly in the workplace, I've found that my intentions have been misunderstood. I'm just telling it like it is, no judgement, and people read between the lines. It's tricky. And again, exhausting.

So in sum, my preferred way of communication is also direct, although I rarely employ it (not yet anyway, working on it), and I manage conversations that don't fit my style by fawning (also working on that), or doing my best to just say nothing (also far from ideal). If anyone has any helpful tips, I'm all ears!